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20th June 2016
30th July 2016
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Sun Tzu wrote the Art of War in the 5th century BC and its teachings as adapted by me very much apply to a lot of people who find themselves waging War with others over issues that are that important to them.

Life’s Battles and subsequent Wars take a toll on us and to be properly prepared for these challenges is fairly useful. You want to be on the side of doling out carnage not receiving it.

The art of war is governed by 13 chapters that provide you with the tools to avoid losing these Wars.

Equipping your army which is your being. Ones self. Is of vital importance to winning a war which has many unknown challenges.

Following this “doctrine” could equip you to win with a nuclear holocaust which Sun Tzu could not contemplate as an option. You see, things have changed since the art of war was conceived and written. Weapons of mass destruction did not exist and to mentally apply these chapters so well written, so long ago will give you a virtually unassailable advantage to win your Wars.

These Wars in life are synonymous with a chess match. Every move you make has consequences and the further you can calculate all the consequences, the more in charge you are. Every small War you wage should be won and preparation through life for the really big ones is vital.

Laying Plans

If you are going to wage War then make sensible plans beforehand. Get mentally and emotionally fit. You don’t need to do an Iron Man but to be that fit is quite cool. I am like that.

Waging War

Decisive victories are vital. Drawn out affairs are soul destroying and weaken the army. Do not dilly dally. Use whatever means you have at your disposal to give you an edge. Always remain prepared and vigilant.

Attack by Stratagem

If you have an opportunity to win without a battle, take it. The battle is always the last option. Use your brain and apply the most worthwhile strategy. Winning is everything. There are no silver medals here. Be ready and able to assess all angles of opportunity and be decisive.

Tactical Dispositions

Be prepared to lose some battles. Don’t be an arrogant idiot and think you can always win. You are delusional. If you know how to lose then it will just make you more formidable and wise. Only fight battles that can be won or you are a chop. Pick them carefully.


Being able to communicate effectively is vital. To communicate with your enemy that you are weak is quite clever as long as you are actually formidable and just waiting to pounce. The more Allies you have the better, hence the better energy as you won’t get exhausted doing it all yourself. The bottom line is you won’t need a red bull if you have mates on your side, preferably a lot of them.

Weak Points and Strong

Don’t be obvious. Be versatile and know your opponents weaknesses. Don’t just attack or you will just get fucked up. If your enemy can see you coming then you are a Poes. Be calculating please or you will die and/or have to surrender like the Italians in the Second World War.


Be able to change course and tactics at a seconds notice in order to not get fucked up and lose the advantage. Take calming pills and antidepressants when necessary to keep your spirits up. Redirect your energy when required and split your forces tactically to stuff your enemy up. Maneuver to your advantage not to the chop you are attacking’s advantage. Ambush your opponent and wear them down.

Variation in Tactics

Don’t be a dumbass. If you are Zimbabwe then don’t use your Navy to invade the Seychelles. Get it. Good. Be spontaneous and impossible to read. Be a mystery and an impossible opponent. Disguise your forces so that they appear more formidable than the shaky nervous Army you may be.

The Army on the March

Don’t walk blindly into the night. If you do then you are stupid because you can purchase night vision goggles very easily from most camping shops. When you are building up for the War it would be prudent to eat well and keep healthy which would keep you strong. Maybe stop using hallucinogens. You can obviously have Burger King. The issue here is that, if you are a weakling then you gonna get fucked up. Stay strong and healthy throughout the conflict.


Obviously, pick the place and time of battle. You must control the environment like the Crocs at the Grumeti river in the Serengeti. If you lie in the right place you could get lucky. You can just imagine where I am tempted to go with this.

The Nine Situations

I am not going to discuss all of them because there are too many and some of them bore me a lot but the bottom line is that there are a multitude of places that a battle may be fought. It could be in a bar or in a supermarket. It may be a battle for custody or to prove via DNA testing that you are not related to Trump. If it’s in a bar then you can use a bottle or barstool to your advantage. In a supermarket you may choose to throw tinned tomatoes or squirt Habanero sauce in your opponents eyes. Whatever the situation, you must use the situation to your advantage. Obviously.

The Attack by Fire

This is not good. You can’t go and burn your ex or use chemical weapons on your mother in law. Just don’t do it. Winning a Battle and the subsequent War is important but not at the expense of basic human rights and various treaties that the North Koreans regularly break. Ok.

The Use of Spies

The more information you have to win the War is clearly a good thing. Get your mates to spy for you but just check that they are not in fact double agents spying on you. Be careful with spies because they do tend to be slimy little bastards. Do not trust everything you hear or you are naive and obviously stupid.

Wage War well but remember that even if you win you will suffer.

Thank you Sun Tzu

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