The Zambezi Hippo council have placed a kill on sight warrant for me. You see I know this because they have attempted to get this right three times and they are clearly homicidal maniacs.
First Murder attempt
I was casually paddling down the Zambezi river as one would do. Beautiful sights abound at every turn. Elephant herds drinking and playing in the water, crocodiles lurking around but moving away as my canoe approached.
The water was just dark enough that you could not see more than 20 centimeters below. I was never certain what lurked below but I was confident and excited as to my ability in staying in the canoe thing and navigating the rapids that excellerated my journey.
After the rapids came the powerful river and deeper waters of this magnificent waterway. Whilst I was dawdling and dreaming a massive beast appeared out of the water. Way bigger than lochness. I nearly shat my pants but reacted faster than superman catching a shard of kryptonite about to enter his butthole. I turned that canoe at lightning speed and paddled for the bank towards a waiting crocodile who looked quite hungry but was insignificant when fleeing from a monstrous hippo showing me his perfect dental munchers.
This beast which is the second biggest killer behind lightning in Africa wanted to munch me. But due to my vastly better instincts I alluded it’s attack. It soon became apparent that there was not just one mastermind hippo but a whole lot with babies, mothers, daddies and grand parents. I had to walk over land between crocodiles, elephant and who knows what around these attempted murderers. I then entered the water some distance below the river and scuttled off towards the next encounter.
2nd Murder attempt
I was fishing on the Zambezi with a mate who can actually fish. We were on the lower Zambezi near Mozambique. My fishing was a little awkward as I was glugging a beer and trolling my rod behind the boat with very little expectation of catching even a crab. I was also sitting on my butthole which I believe to this day saved my life. The Zambezi as previously explained is inundated with crocodiles and these blasted murderous hippos. We were cruising in this slightly dodgy boat thing when I noticed one of the big monsters about 50 meters away. He was obviously quite territorial and was not put off by a boat or a battleship. He was clearly hatching a cunning plan. He slipped under the murky water.
The bugger charged us and hit the boat harder than chuck Norris could roundhouse kick an isis dwarf trying to tickle his back.
I nearly fell out but because my butthole was firmly placed in a chair I managed to hang on but only just. My mate nearly fell in but just grasped the rail. We turned that small fishing boat into a jet boat and took off in the opposite direction away from that cunning murderous hippo bastard.
3rd Murder attempt
Funny enough this Murder attempt also occurred on the Zambezi river however on this occasion it was the upper Zambezi.
This time I was drinking I mean fishing with two other dudes and a boat driver/guide/captain. We had finished for the afternoon and the only thing I had caught was brain freeze from the ice in my gin and tonic.
We had turned the boat around and were now speeding back at about 90 miles an hour. Maybe faster. My hair blew in the wind and I once again kept my butthole firmly in its chair near the front of the boat next to our racing driver I mean captain.
We hit the murderer dead on and our boat nearly did a backflip launching two of my companions about 50 meters behind the boat. The captain idiot was hanging off the side of the boat and the anchor had left the front of the boat at 2000 miles an hour and passed me by about 2 inches and took out the middle panel of the boat and ended up embedded in the back of the boat. Fuck. I was the only one still in the boat. I pulled the idiot captain back in and shouted to my mates to swim faster than the crocodiles that were on their way to chow them.
They just got back in however the one dude required a serious hip operation after this event.
The hippo skulked off with a headache of note.
They may well be formulating a murderous plan for a 4th attempt as we speak but I shall be ready for the fat bastards,